Not my typical post

Many of you don’t know this but in my early years I spent a great deal of time writing. I had notebooks filled with stuff that I wrote. Eventually I met someone and married them and I just stopped writing. The inspiration wasn’t there. When I separated from him I tried so hard to write, but it just wouldn’t come. In my frustration I actually destroyed most of my notebooks, and only recently found one that had been packed away. I never thought I would write again… Then someone came into my life and they seemed to ignite my desire to write again. I have said before that everyone has a reason to be in each of our lives, and in some weird way they became a muse for me. Regrettably they are no longer in my life, but to completely ignore the mark they made would be foolish and unfair. I don’t know if they will even realize how grateful I am to them for this gift because it truly is a gift. Writing has allowed me to find my voice when from time to time I lose it among the hustle and bustle of the world. I now carry a notebook around with me and find myself writing in it at some of the strangest times. Being able to write again is healing me in ways that I never imagined. So to them all I can say is thank you for they have touched my life in ways they could never imagine.

This is the first poem I have written in close to 15 years…. It is a little rough and it is definitely dark, but it is a start…

Reflection

I stand looking in the mirror

Consumed with fear

Haunted by ghosts of the past

And I only wonder who this person is looking back at me

This can’t be me I say

The girl with the sad eyes

This can’t be me I say

The girl with a forced smile

Regret chokes me

And I lean in for a closer look

This can’t be me I say

The girl with ice burning within her heart

This can’t be me I say

The girl who views the world with jaded eyes

Misfortune and heartache has taken its toll

This can’t be me I cry

As the tears slowly fall from my eyes

This can’t me I cry

Lost and with no idea of where to go

Yet my reflection says nothing

It only stands there and smiles back at me.

My reflection… it only troubles me

What it means to be strong.

We never know how strong we are until strong is the only choice we have...

 I am sitting here shaking as I type this and praying that the tears don't come, but yesterday the world lost a remarkable man. To those of us who knew him and followed his fight against cancer, he was and inspiration. Even when the cards were stacked against him he never lost hope. He was a living symbol of strength. He fought his battle with grace and humor when most of us would drown in self-pity. His wife summed it up when she said that her superman had finally flown home. So this post tonight is dedicated to him. May those who knew him carry on his inspiration, and learn from the immense strength he showed to the world...

Strength is something that is gained from experience. Something earned when you have hit rock bottom and proceed to claw your way back up bloody hands and all. It is the courage to fight for what you want even when it seems like you are doomed to fail. It is the ability to love when your heart has been broken time and again. Strength is the ability to hold you head high when it feels like there is a ten pound weight pulling it back down. It is your ability to trust again even when so many have failed you.

We have all been to this point in our lives, and some of us have seen it more than others. God knows that I certainly have. Sometimes I ask myself why I do this. Why do I constantly put myself in situations that test not only my sanity but my own personal strength? The answer is quite simple... I choose to live. For so long I tried to play it safe, floating through life like I was enjoying a lazy river at the nearest water park. It was nice and cozy in my little bubble world but incredibly boring. So this past New Years I made the vow that I would put myself to the test, step out of my shell, and take more chances. I can't say that it has been a total success. I am human and quite flawed. I have many years of fears and insecurities piled on my back. I have made mistakes and hurt people in my quest to test my inner strength. You see that is the thing about fear and insecurity... it can bring out the worse in us. Yet, here I am picking myself up again. Part of me wants to run for the hills and scream that’s it I AM DONE. Just refuse to take any more chances, and go back in my shell. Yet, last night as I sat and mourned my friend I also drew strength from him and recent things that had been going on in my life. I made a promise to myself that I would continue to push on even if it broke me, because I am not a quitter. I AM A FIGHTER!

So next time when it seems as if the world has collapsed down around you. That you can't seem to get the motivation to get out of bed. When you swear that you will never give your love or trust away again please look towards the heavens and ask for the strength. Superman is among the clouds and he is smiling down on you.

R.I.P. my friend 

The art of goodbye...

God doesn't give us the people we want. He gives us the people we need... to hate us, to love us, to break us and ultimately make us into who we are meant to be.

I sit here in good old Pennsyltucky at Lock 12 pondering these exact words. This place holds so many laughs and memories. A place where I would come with someone who unfortunately left this world all too soon and without me getting the chance to say goodbye. So I figured this would be the perfect spot to write about what has been rolling around in my mind.

I have never been one for goodbye and I can never accept when it is time for someone to go. I am a creature of habit and the thought of losing anyone I hold dear is sometimes more then I can take. I try to fight it as hard as I can. Does it change the outcome... no it never does. Learning to accept who is meant to stay and who is meant to go is one of the biggest lessons in life. A lesson that many of us don't want to learn. Yet when we finally embrace that lesson we find it becomes easier to say goodbye. Each and every person who blesses our lives is here to teach us to laugh, to love, to cry and ultimately live, and when their job is done sometimes they must move on. Does it make it any less painful? Of course not because the pain reminds us that we are alive. Just because someone is no longer physically with you doesn't mean that they don't reside in your heart, because you will always have the memories.

So when it is time for someone to go don't fight it. Hold your head high, smile and graciously say goodbye.

Are the risks really worth it?

By avoiding all risks, you risk living an empty life. So reach out again and again. Give things and people a chance...

So many of us drift through life never really experiencing it. Afraid to be truly happy because that happiness might ultimately cause us pain. Some of us put fake smiles on and others sabotage what is good because they can't bear the thought of watching things go sour. But that is the thing about risk... you never know where it is going to lead you. Yet, by never taking chances you never know if the next person you meet will change your world. That you could meet your soul mate or even do something that will benefit others. Usually we will assume that risk will cause nothing but misery and sometimes it does. That is what risk is all about... Unfortunately with out it we will float through life never knowing what true beauty is because we are afraid to open our eyes. Without it we may find ourselves alone because we can't bring ourselves to trust those around us. Without risk we may only live a half life because we are afraid to follow our hopes and our dreams. Without it we are denying ourselves more then we actually gain by avoiding it.

Well hello blog world...

Anyone who knows me knows that I have a lot of opinions, but doesn't everyone? I mean opinions are like assholes and everyone has one, right? Fortunately for me and unfortunately for others I have no problem saying whats on my mind. So let me start this off slow and give you the 411 on me. I am a 33 year old single mom just trying to make it in this big bad world. I work, go to school ( future nurse here), and try to be the best mom possible. Did I mention I also serve on the board of my son's school's P.T.A. Sometimes I surprise myself that I haven't managed to cause myself to have a C.V.A. If you don't know what that means then go look it up. I am high strung and a very black and white person. I hate grey areas! Like I said I have no problem speaking whats on my mind. Sadly my lack of filter can get me in trouble from time to time. Oh well what can I do? I am who I am and if you don't like it then please don't let the door hit you in the rear on your way out. I make no apologies for myself... well that isn't exactly true. Lately I have found myself apologizing more and more but I figured that was a habit I needed to break. I sound like a real doll huh? Surprisingly enough there is a softer and kinder side to me too. I know big shock right! I truely have a heart of gold and would do just about anything for those I love and care about. The one exception would be selling my son. I do have an ex husband that I will give to a horrible... oops did I say that out loud... I mean loving home. I am the person who will see the best in a person even when others or even themselves don't see it. Sometimes it pays off and sometimes it just bites me in the ass. Someone once told me I am a magnet for the emotionally deficient. The sadder their story the more I tend to be attracted to the person, but I am convinced that one of these days I will find that diamond in the rough. Until then it is trial and error with a big emphasis on ERROR. Error is good though because we learn from it. Hmmm I should have my doctorate by now. I am a firm believer that everyone comes into our life for a reason. Some stay and some go, but with each and every person we learn something more about ourselves. I love and collect random quotes and will always try and incorporate one with each new blog entry. Well I think you get the basic drift of who I am, but let me sum it up for you...

1. I have a very big mouth and I am not afraid to use it
2. Piss me off and I will call you out on it faster then you can blink
3. Secretly I am not as hard as I appear ( I have a warm and squishy side too. It is the whole ying and yang thing)
4. If you have a sad story by all means come find me because I am a sucker for poor lost souls

So I think that is all for tonight. On that note I will leave you with the following quote that is quite fitting...

Don't be so quick to judge me. You only see what I choose to show you. You need to take time to get to know me, because truth be told you really don't know anything at all.